Familial fortitude

I had always thought of my extended family as a single entity until my grandmother passed away last month.  This monday will make it a full month.  Since that day, all of the preconceptions I had about my family have been shattered.  I never put much thought into how extensive my grandmothers family was, and it wasn’t until after her death that I came to truly appreciate the sacrifices she had made to ensure the success of our family.  I didn’t realize it at first, but I feel that life has become uncertain once again.  I thought I had it all figured out.  I can’t properly describe it right now, but a general sense of loss will have to suffice.

My grandmother was the bedrock, the foundation of our family. It’s where we went for Thanksgiving, and new years…My grandfather had passed away before I was born, and now that the last Sugita is gone, only the third generation of my paternal family remains.  She died at the age of ninety four.

A few days after, my father, my two uncles, and the rest of us went to her apartment to clean it out.  It’s an odd feeling to pack away somebody’s entire existence after they’re gone.  It felt intrusive, like I was invading the privacy of her life.  It made me wonder what people would think about my own life, were I to die unexpectedly.  And now that I think of it, I’d feel pretty uncomfortable about my family going through my belongings.

The funeral was very somber, and it was interesting to meet distant relatives whom I’d never met before, or couldn’t remember meeting because I was too young.  It made me sad to think that the generation of my grandparents are all passing on.  I suppose that is the nature of time, and afterall, death is a natural part of life.  Still, it was a blessing, and a rare occassion to see so many relatives in the same place, at the same time.  I could sense that my father was a bit uncomfortable, but I learned a lot about my grandmother, and it was moving to hear these words from people I didn’t know.  I learned about the history of my family, and it humbles me to think that I am part of this massive clan, which can trace it’s roots back to the Heian era of eleventh century Japan.  I had always thought my ancestors were farmers, or in agriculture, due to the name of my paternal family, Kiwada.  Never would I have guessed that the ancestors of my grandmother were nobility, Samurai even.  It doesn’t mean much these days, but it’s significant to me because I studied ancient Japanese literature for a semester, during which I read about a battle my ancestors actually took part in.  I never knew about my family back then, so it never seemed as significant as it does now.  All of this makes me wish I knew more about the history of my family, and where I came from…

The ashes of my grandmother are buried under the shade of a massive tree in Nu’uanu, next to the ashes of my grandfather.  A few aisles away is a headstone for my greatgrandfather, who is actually buried in Japan.  It was nice to see the Sugita crest shining brightly in the morning sunlight…Afterwards, we met for lunch at the country club.  My father had brought along all of the cards and letters of condolences with him, where I had a chance to read them over lunch.  It really made me happy that my grandmother had reached so many peoples’ lives.  It kind of gave me a welcome sense of closure to this tumultous time.

Now that life has resumed some semblance of normality, I’ve had time to think about my grandfathers family, which I know nothing about.  My grandmothers family has an illustrious past, which is surprisingly well documented, and photographed.  It makes me wish that I knew more about the family my paternal grandfather came from.  I am the last of the Kiwada bloodline outside of Japan.  As such, the burden of the name carrying on lies with me, and I don’t intend to let it die out.  I’ve got to find out more of my families’ history before it does.

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Tags: family, hawaii